A clean white elephant gift

I know I'm a little late, but here is an idea for your next white elephant gift exchange.

While preparing for a white elephant gift exchange, I spent a few minutes looking for a gift idea online.  I was appalled at all the dirty gifts ideas.  Most were sexual in nature.  I had an idea for a gift, and thought I'd share it!

Weights for beginners!

All that is needed is s couple large marshmallows, and bamboo skewers.  Put the marshmallows on the ends of the skewers.  I made a quick tag with a note "weights for beginners".  

It was a success at my party!  The recipient practiced lifting them :).  

If you try this, let me know how it is received!

New Year Resolutions part 1

Every year I make new years resolutions.  And for the past several years, I've been able to reach most of my goals.  Yes, really!

There are a few key elements to achieving goals.

1- Write it down
2- It must be realistic
3- It must be measurable
4 - It must be specific

So, one goal I DON'T make it to "be a better mom".  Why not?  Well. . . how do you measure being a good mom?  Is it quality time?  Is it patience? Is it activities you do with kids?  Some of those things are measurable... Make those MEASURABLE things your goals.

Another goal that is hard to measure is "learn to play an instrument."  How do you measure "completion" of learning it?  This again is where we get really specific.  How about "learn to play 'Stairway to Heaven'" as a goal instead?  Or "learn how to play all the chords of a guitar"? See?  measurable, specific, realistic.

Start thinking of a few goals you'd like to reach.  I'll write more about goals in a few days.

The Color Code

For those of us who are finding ourselves, I recently read a great book, "The Color Code".

There are four "personality" colors.  Each personality type has strengths and weaknesses.   Each personality is motivated by different values.  Red personalities are motivated by power, blue personalities are motivated by intimacy (as in emotional intimacy), yellows are motivated by fun, and yellows are motivated by peace.  Yes, I'm oversimplifying it.  

The color code concept has been around for a long time.  I remember taking it when I was in my early teens.  If I remember correctly, my colors were blue (dominant), and yellow (secondary).  At the time, I was told this was a good combination.

Over time, I know I've changed.  Sometimes I test more blue/white.  But, as Taylor Hartman says, our main color does not change.  

The Color Code has a personality test in it, to help you as you read.  Or you can take it here.  I found it interesting.  But remember, every personality test is limited, and will not tell you everything.  

The book tells specific specifics about each personality, along with interactions between different personality types.  This helped me to better understand my relationships with my children, and other people around me.  

Here is where you can purchase the book in hard cover and in Kindle.

Puzzles

Sometimes life is a puzzle...

I use to wonder if life foreshadowed (like a plot in a novel).  

Recently, I had everything figured out.  Then,  everything changed.  I felt like the puzzle of my life was put together correctly, then someone came smashed it.  I looked frantically to pick up the pieces, to put it back together again.  Then look closer, and it's not even the same puzzle I thought I was putting together.  Ever feel like that?

I was in a grocery store a few days ago, staring into space, trying to figure out a "plan" (I really like a plan).   An older gentleman waved his hand in front of my face and then said "Don't worry, everything is going to work out".  I jokingly asked "Do you know know yet?'  He looked at me very seriously and said "It just does."

Yes, everything DOES work out.  Sometimes it's hard to see that in the mist (or beginning) of change, but it does work out.  Through many difficulties, I've learned that God will not take something away without replacing it with something better.  Many times the thing we lose is something we don't think we can do without.  And that's what makes the trial hard.  But if we hold on, and trust and have faith, we get so much more than we lost.  And what we lose feels small in comparison to what we gain.  

No matter what, look for the positive, trust in God, and it will all work out.  

The Promise

"The promise" is a book about a woman who became paralyzed when a friend playfully pushed her into a pool.

I love this story because  Rachelle has a positive attitude and a spunky spirit.  She hold on to her friends, and family, and never blames her friend for the accident.

There are a couple parts in the book that may be offensive to some.  There  is some swearing, and drinking and partying and nudity (not graphic in my opinion).  The book talks some about physical intimacy, and how it changed after the accident.  I felt like the point about sex were not graphic, and were simply factual and emotional. The author was not LDS, she is Jewish, and she does touch on her Jewish traditions briefly.

There are a few quotes I love: "You don't know a lot about yourself until you are tested".

I love this because even strong people don't know how strong they are until AFTER they experience crisis.

Rochelle's dad makes a comment about how we shouldn't live for old memories, but we should make new ones.  In any crisis, things will change.  Making new memories is a way to move on.

Friendship is a huge theme in this book.  Friendship is essential to resiliency, and friendships can change because of a challenge. I've seen friendships grow stronger or weaker during crisis.

Another theme is love.  And not superficial love, but true, real, mature love.  There are so many example of lust/superficial love these days that it was refreshing to see something genuine.

Click here for the  Kindle edition and  here for Hardcover.

Glorious from Meet the Mormons

When I listen to music, it's not uncommon for me to pick one song that "speaks" to me, and to listen to it over and over.  The song "Glorious" by David Archuleta, is one of my current favorites, and I listen to it often.  Especially when I feel like I'm searching for peace, and answers to questions.



Every person is special, and has a unique role to play.  Sometimes we feel guided in a certain direction.  And as we follow our hearts, we meet people who touch our lives and help to enhance us and teach us.  And sometimes we get to help and teach others as well.

I love the analogy in this song that each person plays a piece in the music of life.  Because we are all different, all the parts are needed.  When I was younger, I was very involved in music.  In orchestra there were at least 5 different parts to each piece we performed.  When I hear some of those songs played, I listen for the part that I played (it wasn't the melody line).  While that one part may not be spectacular on it's own, the music would not be the same without it.

Each day I want to do what God wants me to do.  My life is not glamorous, but my role is important to many people.  I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker. . . and that's just a few of my roles.  I believe that people come into our life for a reason.  We give strength to each other, and help each other.  I have met strangers briefly who have impacted my life, and have no idea what their words meant.  I watch the quiet example of others, who I'm sure have no idea of what I'm learning from them.  Our impact may be big or small.  But I'm sure it is always bigger than we believe.  And when we all join together either explicitly, or by the influence of others, the difference each of us makes is huge.

Does this song speak to you?

Rebuilding

A long time ago, I heard that when a person experiences a crisis involving another person (such as divorce, or abuse), they can temporarily lose a part of who they are - and it's usually the part that the relationship hurts.

In my divorce, this occurred.  For a time I lost my self esteem.  I'm still trying to become "fun" again (this is another part I lost).  My spouse was the "fun" person in the relationship, and was overpowering to my "fun".  

When I was younger, my mother said I was a boring teacher (she was trying to help me improve). Over time, I became better, but I still like to "plan" fun things...  My planning gene is stronger than the fun gene ;)

Building self esteem came back quickly.  I had to take care of my children.  I learned about job searching, and got practice interviewing (and acting confident during interviews).  Over time, I didn't have to act.  By learning something new, and becoming an expert, my confidence grew.  I eventually worked for the employment agency, and helped others.  When they had hard days, I'd point out blessings.  This helped to make unemployment bearable.

As far as being fun... I'm not a goofy person.  I have started by doing things I enjoy.  At first, I didn't remember what I enjoyed.  When a person is in survival mode, there isn't a lot of time to have "fun".  I noticed all the piles of crafts and started to do those in my free time, and enjoyed it.  I made dinner and really enjoyed the creative process of cooking something out of nothing (with no recipe).  

I've also been making small talk with people, and inserting my humor there.  My "fun" traits are returning, and I feel more like myself.  

Crockpot Turkey Tenderloin with Potatoes

A few days ago I tried a new recipe. . . I almost NEVER follow all the direction (unless I'm baking, because then it matters).  So after I tweaked it, this is my recipe.

Since I'm a busy single mom, I LOVE recipes that I can put in the crockpot in the morning, and serve when I get home.

Crockpot Turkey Tenderloin with Potatoes

2 lbs frozen turkey tenderloins

1/2 C frozen cranberries

1 C frozen orange juice concentrate (do not dilute)

1 apple, cut into large pieces

4 Tbsp butter

2 tsp salt

1 tsp sage

1 tsp rosemary

1 tsp thyme

2 tsp onion powder

2 tsp sugar

4 (or more) whole potatoes

Place turkey in the crockpot.  Add cranberries, apple and orange juice.  Sprinkle with spices.  Cut butter and place on top.  Wrap potatoes in foil and place on top of turkey.  Cook on low for 8-10 hours.  To serve, remove foil from potatoes (they will be like baked potatoes).

I did cut my potatoes in half (only part way through), and placed butter inside the potato before wrapping in foil.  This is a picture of the potatoes in the crockpot.  You could add more potatoes if you have more room in your crock pot (I could had added 3-4 more, but my family didn't need that many).  

I posted this recipe on food.com as well.

Who are you?

During graduate school, I attended a class where I was told that people need to understand where they are from to really understand who they are.  We began an activity of introducing ourselves based on why we are who we are.

Why are you who you are?

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the effect that I had grown up in a strong LDS family.  Members of the LDS faith of certain dietary rules (such as no smoking, drinking alcohol and no tobacco).  My family took it to a level of "no caffeine" (the word of wisdom says no strong drinks, and modern science has proved caffeine is addictive, so I abide by my family's rule still).  We attend church weekly and worship.  My family history goes back to modern day Czech Republic, and I've been told I have a "Russian nose".  I also take pride in my very unusual last name (there are only 5 people in the state that have my last name, and others who have it as a maiden name).  I also have ancestry from the mormon pioneers, which means I have learned to work hard, and sacrifice.  

How would you describe yourself based on your ancestors?  

A few year back, I created this as a Christmas gift for my family.

It is a visual "family tree".   Each leaf represents a person (and I included dates and places).  There are 5 generations on this (my children to my great grandparents).  Everyone who got one hung it on their wall (so I guess that means it was a hit :).

If you are interested in directions on how to make one, please leave a comment.  

I enjoy looking at this and seeing where my ancestors came from.  On my tree, everyone is in the USA, but one generation further has ancestors from other countries.  Where our family comes from, their traditions, and many other life choices do effect us.  Just look at how many people had to come to the United States for me to end up living here?  

Take some time to study who you are, and ponder how your family effects who you are today.

Resiliency - Not a Linear Process

Recently I received a comment that I need to give step by step instructions to become more resilient.  I'd LOVE to do that, but since resiliency is a set of personality traits, it's not a linear formula.

Every person will have times when they are more resilient and less resilient.

When my mother passed away, I thought I was resilient.  When my spouse left, I shattered, and fell into depression.  But over time, I've been able to build myself back up.  And because I've had several opportunities where I've experienced crisis, I've had plenty of opportunities to rebuild.  This has made the recovery process faster.

Being resilient helps us both during crisis, and helps us rebuild after.  If we have done it before, it is easier the next time.

This blog is about both the science of what resiliency is, and also activities to help learn and build resiliency.  I know some people will only want activities.  Other people are more analytical (like me).  I'm also including skills that I hope will help people (cooking, crafts, etc) and books about resilient people (seeing resilient traits will paint a picture of how resilient people act).

I wish I had an easy step-by-step process to become resilient, however, that does not exist.  Instead, I am giving many different ideas, guidelines, and research showing how people have become resilient in the past.  By following these things, over time, you can develop these skills.

Please comment on what posts are most helpful for you, and what you enjoy learning about. 

x

The Hiding Place

Recently I reread "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom.  It is about a Christian woman during World War II.  This holocaust story is full of hope and faith.  She has amazing trust in God, which pulls her through the challenges she endures.

One section I particularly like is when Corrie and her sister, Betsie, chose to be thankful for their circumstances.  I also love the theme of forgiveness that is throughout the entire book.

While I don't want to give too much away (hence the brief review), I do admire the resilience Corrie and her sister display.  She has learned how to be resilient, and because of her beliefs, choices she makes are easy for her.  She is showing self-esteem, spirituality, and hope while finding meaning.  These are all tenants of a resilient person.

I highly recommend The Hiding Place (hard copy) and The Hiding Place (Kindle edition).

How resilient are you?

While researching resiliency, I came across this assessment to measure resiliency.  Check it out here.

I like THIS measurement because it is reliable, and valid (my nerdy statistical language, that means it's testing what it's suppose to test, and results are similar over time with consistent circumstances).

I know there are lots of personality tests out there, but this one is SCIENTIFIC (have I mentioned I'm a nerd yet?).  In fact, I included this assessment in some of my school assignments...

What is your score?  It takes about 5 minutes to answer and get a score (and no email address is required).  Give it a try!

73 or lower is a low score.  91 or higher is a high score.

My score was 90.  I feel good about my score.  But I can do better.  There is always room for improvement.

What is your score, and how do you feel about it?

Dave Ramsey

Lately I've been thinking a lot about finances, and financial goals.  I had heard of Dave Ramsey's book, and his seven step plan, but I had never read it.  Initially, I thought :Why not just pay off the house first, and then you have a huge chunk of extra money each month to do everything else?  The farther I read, the more I realized that the house will take care of itself (while you are reaching other goals).

Dave Ramsey has 7 goals.

1- Get $1000
2- Pay off debt (using snowball method)
3- Get 3-6 months of savings
4- Save for kids college
5- Save for retirement
6- Pay off house
7- Give to others

If you pay attention, steps 4-6 can all be done at once (you only need a specific amount for college and retirement, and you put the rest towards the house).

According to Dave Ramsey, all these steps are done in an average of 7 years!

Do I want to be debt free in seven years?  YES!  Will I make it in seven years?  Well, I don't know (averages in his book are based off amount of debt and income)... But I'm sure going to try!

Money can symbolize a lot of different things - Power, status, security, control, etc.  For me money represents security.  Having money means I have what I need when something unexpected comes up.  Financial security equates to resiliency because WHEN something breaks down, I can fix it.  It gives me one less thing to worry about.  Resiliency is about bouncing back.  It's much easier to financially bounce back it you have a plan.

I recommend this book to anyone who wants to get out of debt, and needs a plan.

 Paperback version

    

Kindle Edition 

Resiliency

What does resiliency mean to you?

To me, resiliency is more than overcoming a challenge.  Resiliency is about growing stronger as a result of your struggles.

Every time we struggle, we can chose how to react.

WE CAN CHOSE!

So, we are meandering through life, when something comes up.

How are you going to chose to react?

Will you make the best of a crisis, and learn from it (resiliency)?

Will you get through it, and let life return to normal (homeostasis)?

Will you trudge through it, and remain bitter because of it (maladaptive)?


The choice is yours.  What will your legacy be?

What are some challenges that you have learned from?

Self esteem and resiliency

While studying resiliency, I came across a journal article which discusses 5 types of skills that must be learned for a person to become resilient.  Because I'm a very analytical person, the components behind a theory have to make sense to me before I will "accept" them as truth.

The first component to resiliency is Self-Awareness (From "Linking prevention science and emotional learning: The Oregon Resiliency Project", by Kenneth Merrell, 2010).  How do we gain self-awareness?  Self-awareness is knowing your own feelings, interests, values, strengths, weaknesses, and having self confidence (according to Kenneth Merrell).
A person can not be resilient if they don't know what makes them special and unique.  This goes beyond just knowing, but becomes OWNING these traits in yourself.

What are some things about you, that can OWN?

I'll give you an idea. . .

Please ignore the goofy look on my face :)

I am a nerd, and I know it (and freely admit it).  What kind of person ENJOYS statistics?  yep. . . ME.  That makes me a nerd.  I'm also highly analytical, and need to understand how things work.  I am an avid gardener (growing about 40 TYPES of tomatoes a year - yes, that makes me a nerd). I enjoy learning how to create things.  But for me, I can't make a craft, unless it is useful . . . either to use or a decoration.  I like talking with other people and getting to know them better.  I'm a social science nerd, and like to understand WHY people make changes and do what they do.  One of the things I HAD to figure out is how people become resilient (after learning from my own experience, I had to find a way to explain it so I could help others).

This is just a small sample of how I see myself, and traits I OWN.

What traits do you have that you can "own"?  Things you can admit about yourself?

A Tribute to Nicole

Today I attended a funeral for a sweet little girl names Nicole.  Nicole was diagnosed with Leukemia when she was only a few months old, and survived for only three years.  

Nicole and her family have been examples to me.  They have a strong spirit, and have endured much.  They are an example of resiliency, because they have grown from their trials.

To read more about Nicole, visit her blog.

I have been touched by the many amazing stories and miracles that have taken place to care for her family.  Many families prayed and fasted for Nicole on many occasions, and miracles have followed. I have been humbled by the faith and strength of this wonderful family.  

Freezing Beets

I'm an avid canner and preserver of food.  Surprisingly, few people know how to preserve beets.  I like the taste and simplicity of freezing beets.

I remove the beet leaves (jut rip them off, you want some of them attached - maybe about an inch or so- to keep them from bleeding too much color out the top).  Put beets in a big saucepan with the largest beets at the bottom and the smallest at the top. Cover with water.   Boil them until cooked through (time depends on the size of the beets, start at 20 minutes, and for larges ones it could be about an hour).  When the smaller beets on the top are done (aka - a knife will go through it easily), take them out.  Remove them as they cook, and keep the larger ones cooking longer.  Let them cool (sometimes I'll put them in the fridge overnight).

When the beets are cooked, and cool, cut off the beet top and root.

Remove the outer skin.  It should come of easily with a little rubbing.  

Cut beets into desired size/shape.  I usually cut them into circles, about 1/4 to 1/2 inch wide, but today I tried to cut some into wedges.  

Try my bagging trick. . . I turn the closure of the bag inside out.  This makes it so the bag will stay opened (making it easier to put stuff in), and also keeps the closure from getting all "gunked up".  I will do several bags at once, so I can fill them easily.

Put beets into the baggies.  I use cheep sandwich baggies, and then when bags are filled to my satisfaction, I put all the smaller bags into a larger gallon size freezer bag.  I reuse my more freezer bags as they are more expensive.  Double bagging keeps the freezer bag clean. :)

Place the bags flat in the freezer (you can move them later if you'd like, but it you freeze them flat, they are a better shape for moving and stacking later, or even turning on it's side).  

When you are ready to eat beets, simply let them defrost, and cook.  I like to sauté them in butter, with a little garlic or feta cheese.   

What does this have to do with resiliency?  Glad you asked. . .  When the resiliency center is fully running, clients will teach others skills that they have.  Doing hard things helps to build resiliency.  Sharing skills in front of a group is often difficult, so this is one way to give people a chance to build resiliency.  

Enjoy your harvest :)

A visual definition of Resiliency

On to the meat and potatoes of this blog. . .

After going through several encounters were I felt less than strong, I wanted to help others to feel empowered.  But how?  I knew I had figured out how to be strong, but I couldn't tell you the steps it took to get there.  The logical part of me knew if I wanted to help people, I needed some concrete steps or answers on HOW, and not just "hey, I did it - you you can too!"

I was sitting in a classroom when I saw this:

Wolin, S. & Wollin, S (1993) from The Resilient Self: How survivors of troubled families rise above adversity. 

Someone who is becoming resilient will start from the center traits and move outward.  For example, if you are learning to become independent, you will begin by straying, the disengaging, separating and finally becoming independent.

If you need an example of gaining independence, watch the nearest 2 year old you can find.  A two year old child will begin to stray farther and farther away (physically) from their parent (while still ensuring they can see the parent and return to safety at any time).  A toddler will then begin to play by themselves, and sooner or later begin to feel safe when the parent is not in the room.  Eventually children can be left without their parent (with another caretaker) without fear.  2 year old LOVE the word "NO", and this is another example of learning independence.  

For an adult becoming independent may mean forming new opinions that are different from their parent or spouse, while knowing they are emotionally safe to think differently.  

I will go into more detail on these components of resiliency over time.  

In my experience, resiliency is not something that is learned once, than mastered.  For example, while searching for employment, there were some times when I felt very discouraged!  Instead of giving up, I continued to explore, and work, and take initiative.  Many people commented about my positive attitude throughout the process.  

Because resiliency is formed in may ways, I will be including some *creative* ideas on this blog as well.  I do this to help others, and also to teach skills (which is part of my ultimate plan when I have a full resiliency center in operation).  Please feel free to comment on anything you are curious about.  

How to get started...

Hello world!

For the past several years, I've been circling around an idea. . . An idea that has potential.  An idea that friends and therapists have agreed would be a benefit, and would be useful in our community.

It all started one day when I was with a few friends at a women's retreat.  An idea to help women to overcome challenges and build self esteem was born.  At the time, everyone in the group was working through MAJOR challenges.

Years passed, and I felt a tug to work towards this goal.  I received promptings to go back to school.  I was afraid, because I didn't  understand WHY I would need to go back to school.  Four years later, I understand.  In the past 2 1/2 years, I have been divorced, watched my mother pass away, struggle with singlehood, battled unemployment (being the only breadwinner in the home), and completed a master's degree.  I don't say this because I need a virtual pat on the back, but to let you know that I have overcome MAJOR trials.  Even more important, I hope to be able to pass on some wisdom and aid to others who are also going through trials.  I know how these challenges were overcome.  It was through my religious beliefs that I was able to have the strength to overcome.  I am LDS, and am firm in my knowledge of the gospel, and the Atonement.

But, I'm also a social scientist.  I know that I can't use my religion as a way to help everyone through trials.  I learned about resiliency, and chose resiliency as my vessel to aid others in overcoming challenges.  During grad school, resiliency was MY topic (I'm sure my cohort was tired of hearing about my passion).  I decided that the way I can help others is to teach resiliency to others.  Resiliency as a skill set is the beginning of self esteem, and gives meaning to our trials.  If you have yet to experience challenges, well. . . everyone will go through something someday.  I hope by teaching skills, I can aid other, and they will have the skills necessary WHEN challenge occur.

I've pondered about how to get from where I am now to beginning my organization.  I have experience in running a successful business, along with fundraising, organizing events, grant writing, community outreach and more.  These skills have given me the backbone to begin.  While pondering, I felt that I should start a blog.  I don't know how starting a blog is going to get me from here to running a resiliency center (I will write more about my specific action plan later), but I trust that these promptings will lead me in the right direction.

Resilient people move forward, not backwards!  While I am willing to listen and offer empathy towards those who have struggled, I do not want to move backwards.

This weekend, someone told me that I would be a good teacher.  I intend to teach skills.  Skills are based both on research, and my personal experience.

Resiliency has a component of spirituality.  While my religious beliefs fill that for me, spirituality can come from many forms, and does not have to include organized religion.  Because of my strong beliefs, I am not able to separate my secular knowledge and spiritual knowledge.  If you are not of the same faith as me, I hope you will tolerate and be respectful of my beliefs, and I will be respectful of yours.

I have no idea where this blog will be seen, or who it will touch, or how this will help me to reach my goals to rescue others, but I know it will.  If you read this, and have any insight on how I can obtain my goals, please let me know.  This is the first stage of pursuing a dream, and more will follow.  While I do have several concrete plans on how to help others, I am still brainstorming, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Cheers!